Musing Artist Blog

Posted in Performing Arts

I’m Alert, I’m Alive, I Feel Great…

Posted on by Elaine (Hendriks) Smith

This mantra (the title of my post) is from some tape I had in my car from a training when I was working at a library consortium. If I remember correctly, the workshop leader person was giving out these free self-help’y tapes to anyone who did some small performance element in their workshop. I was like, “free stuff?!…cool” and up went my hand to volunteer.

This was many many moons ago, Erin was maybe 10 or 11 years old. I would get her ready for school in the morning and she could pick any tape to play in the car. Yes, a tape deck in my amazing green Ford Probe. This was a box set, and she was interested in the color of the box, so she chose tape 1. Before it played she said “oh WOW four tapes.” I’m pretty sure before she handed me the tape from the backseat, she had decided that we would listen to them all.

So began a few weeks of listening to self-help/people management tapes with my beautiful kiddo. Day 1: The man on the tape said you need a morning mantra that you say every morning without fail. His example was, “I’m alert, I’m alive, I feel great.” Well, Erin thought it was so good she decided we should adopt it as ours. Every morning we would get in the car and from the backseat, she would chant it until I joined her for a few rounds. Then we’d listen to this tape on the way to and home from school.

Since then, whenever one of us is feeling sad or stressed to this day, the other will say “I’m alert, I’m alive, I feel great.” Now, I know this man did not mean for this to be a call and response for a mom and her daughter, a reminder of the safety and happiness of the drive to school and home when she was a child and I was a new mom, but that is what it has become.

I recently injured my knee and will be having a knee replacement in the coming years. So, I do know that I am walking around a literally broken lady. When I feel down (and Erin finds out), I get a call. Usually something like, “Hey Mom, I’m alert, I’m alive, I feel great.” Responding to it works like a charm every time. But, it’s not the call and response that makes me feel alert, alive, and great. It’s the kid.

Posted in Performing Arts

A Break of Sorts…

Posted on by Elaine (Hendriks) Smith

Before we went home for Christmas, I was granted a wonderful award from the Young Actors Theatre, the “Standing Ovation Award,” for being a positive influence on the youth and adults at YAT. Being granted the ability to work with you has been a great joy for me since I arrived in Tallahassee. The award just makes it even more special. This was a kindness that I really needed at the right moment. Thank you.

Christmas in Michigan – was full of amazing moments that bring me joy to think about. I miss home. I love my family and Michigan friends. They are the kindest people. For those of you I didn’t get to see, I will see you soon. But I had to come back to Tallahassee for a good reason.

Yesterday I had a minor surgery on my knee. I don’t remember much except that everyone was very kind from the time that I arrived until I was put under. When vulnerable, such as laying in a cold pre-op room with nothing but a thin muslin link blanket between you and the multitude of people asking you questions, kindness matters.

Today, I sit with my knee elevated, reading for school, with a Chiweenie as a protector dog, watching my every move. And though Pancho does not know it, the kindness (and concern) he is showing me matters.

I have no idea if the notes I am taking will make any sense tomorrow, but I keep thinking of my mom as I write them. You see, on Christmas, I heard my mom ask my family, “Have you ever seen Elaine’s notes?”… of course, my non-theatrical siblings, who live 1,000 miles away from me in school, said “No.” My mom, though, she has seen them when we go hang out on various Florida beaches on my on spring breaks. She said, “They are works of art.” My mom’s kindness about my notes matters.

I keep thinking about kindness this week. Maybe it’s the forced break or the painkillers, but kindness – a virtue I always try (but don’t always succeed) in sharing myself, matters. As I read about violence and rituals for my comps exam in February, I keep thinking about how kind my professors at FSU are, and how lucky I am to be getting a PhD with this specific group of people who have shown up for me in the smallest and largest ways over the last 5 years. I keep thinking about the friends I have made here, especially those who are making plans with my husband to come over and cook me a meal this week. The kindness. It matters.

So, as we ring in a New Year tomorrow, I will be thinking of all the people who have been so kind to me over the last months. Thank you all.

Posted in Performing Arts

Memories are Blessings

Posted on by Elaine (Hendriks) Smith

When working at the Jewish Community Center, I learned the most beautiful condolence for a lost loved one, “may their memory be a blessing.” Some days I can’t even explain how much the memories of those we’ve lost are a blessing to me.

Like every morning, this morning, I stopped and looked at the framed picture of my Grandparents, Frank and Geraldine Riess. Two people who, for me, were created of all things good in the universe, They remained right when everything else in the world was wrong. They were beauty, strength, laughter, and so much more. Most of all – they were my champions…they were all of our champions, the whole family.

This afternoon, I read a chapter from one of my Grandfather’s books and am currently sharing a room with a “welcome friends” sign created by Grandpa and painted by Grandma. I can easily imagine Grandma sitting across from me in the chair, crocheting the six-foot-long white scarf she made me while I chattered away in her living room one winter day. When I bake a pie, she is with me. When I study the wars, he is with me. I imagine them in the audience on opening nights like they were for me so many times. When my family is together, they are reflected in our faces, our jokes, our actions, and especially our laughter. They taught us how to be together.

This is what it means for their memories to be a blessing. I carry them with me; they are still my champions.

Posted in Performing Arts

Morning Musing…

Posted on by Elaine (Hendriks) Smith

This morning I woke up to quiet. I made a pot of coffee and let the dogs out. I stood on the deck watching the dogs run around the yard while wondering how my family back home is doing, My thoughts were disrupted by Yoda, who wanted to go back inside while Pancho rolls around in the grass, tail wagging, asking for more time outside, which he gets (of course).

I have things I might do today, but no deadlines looming. My phone is not buzzing with people needing things from me. No major fires are awaiting me to be settled. My biggest concern is if I should put strawberries or pineapple in my smoothie.

Today, I will grade some assignments for my summer class and read a book from my comps list. I need to make sure all of our plans for our trip home for my daughter’s wedding shower are set. I might read the play I am directing again today, I read it a lot. I read a lot, but I always have read a lot, so this is good.

I remember telling people at The Berman that one day I would move to the beach and sell chachkies from a Tiki hut. Getting a Ph.D. is definitely not that, but this morning, standing on the deck in Tallahassee while I wait for Pancho to finish rolling in the grass, I have that feeling of peace I was searching for.

As Pancho came up the stairs to the deck wanting to go inside and get his breakfast treat, the moment fades, but the peace remains. This is not a bad way to start a day.

Posted in Performing Arts

New Beginnings

Posted on by Elaine (Hendriks) Smith

So far, two of my friends have completed their Ph.D.s this school year. They have inspired me to stretch myself as an artist, student, and person. I am so grateful that I began at Flordia State University in 2019 because I had the opportunity to get to know the graduate students in my program before we shut down due to the pandemic. During the shutdown, walks around Lake Ella, sitting far apart outside and laughing, playing games online, all hour texting, comparing weird middle-of-the-night Etsy purchases, and having happy hour on Zoom were a few ways I continued to feel connected to the people in my program.

I am often asked what it was like to get a master’s degree during the pandemic. Well, because of my wonderful group of grad friends, it was easier than one would expect. The night before my thesis defense (from my apartment, on Zoom), I walked through my entire presentation with one of my friends, who gave me her thoughts, many of which helped me shorten and reshape my presentation. When another began writing his dissertation, I was delighted to discuss it with him. I began looking forward to muddling over a thought or two when he asked me about an idea. There are countless moments with all of my graduate school friends that have both held me up and shown me the way throughout my time at Florida State University. I am grateful for them and am excited to see what they do next!

Posted in Family

Carrying Memories

Posted on by Elaine (Hendriks) Smith

So I am reading a fascinating article for one of my classes, and my hands feel dry. This distracts me when I write notes, when I highlight essential passages or when I catch a glimpse of the ashy-ness happening at my fingertips. So, as always, I lean for the lotion and start my ritual of putting on lotion at a desk.

First, I have to take off all of my rings. I love rings, and I wear many. They are my little emotional reminders of the people and experiences I have had in my life that I like to keep close at hand. First are my two stackable thumb rings. One says “wishes” the other “imagine.” One thousand miles away, on the finger of my cousin, there is another set of these. So I take the time to think of something ridiculous that my cousin said, which makes me laugh. Today the ridiculous thing s “nut dust” to the tune of Tina Turner’s “Nutbush City Limits,” which stems from the dust that spilled out onto our cheese platter when we emptied a bag of walnuts. Though this was just a few days ago, I do not remember who exclaimed “nut dust,” nor do I remember who sang it…but I do know it was something ridiculous we did. And, as always, though we are far away from each other right now, it makes me feel closer to her.

Because today is a ‘stay at the home study day,’ I only have the rings that I didn’t take off before falling asleep while reading last night, so the ritual is shorter than usual. The only other ring on my right hand is a black silicone band imprinted with black Mickey Mouse faces, a constant reminder of how Walter Disney began with a mouse. If it were more accurate, it would be the side of a barn and some charcoal because that is where he began drawing, but I love the mouse, so the mouse it is!

Then I remove the rings from my left hand. My engagement ring and wedding ring were soldered to each other a few years ago because over the last 17+ years, the bands have worn down, so they come off my hand as one ring and remind me of the last 20 years of extraordinary adventures that my husband and I have had. And, under them, the last ring I always take off is my 10th-anniversary band. So, for our 10th anniversary, my husband and I got in the car and drove (from Michigan) to Niagara Falls. It was a beautiful trip, full of hilarious and beautiful moments, including me repeating our wedding vows to my husband while we were under the falls, vows that I wrote ten years earlier.

Next comes the lotion, which today smells like grapefruit. It is my very favorite lotion, and there isn’t much left. Every time I smell this lotion, I think of walking down the beach in Jacksonville, Florida, with my husband while on tour. He tells me I smell lovely and says, “one day, we will live in Florida.” I remember thinking what a nice idea, but I had just accepted a job as the Director of a new center for the performing arts, so I could not see it happening anytime soon.

The entire ritual reminds me of one woman, my seventh (and eighth) grade Math teacher. She wore many rings and would also do this ritual when her hands were dry in class. She made math attainable for me, using everyday objects, like a kleenex box she had labeled to show us geometry. She took the worry out of math, and for me, turned it into a subject I love and still love to this day. She was tough and a little scary but always there for me. Because my mom worked at the school, my math teacher did not only exist in that classroom. She had appeared as a symbol of strength for me when I needed it most, like when my grandma died. I knew she was there to support her friend, my mom, but she was still an icon of strength for me, even as an adult. So, I always think of her when performing this lotion ritual because I am positive it is her ritual, and I am just borrowing it, and hopefully some of her strength.

Putting the rings back on after applying the lotion reaffirms how much love I have in my life, here in my home in Florida. And how, even though I am not with my family and mentors in Michigan, I carry them with me every day.

Posted in Performing Arts

Looking back and forward…

Posted on by Elaine (Hendriks) Smith
Alice in Wonderland | The Berman Summerstock

So, I am updating my website. Doing this requires that I go through my CV and other assorted information to make sure that I have all of the shows that I want to highlight on the website. Then, I get to search for a bunch of pictures to put together my galleries of images. This is my favorite part because I get to find pictures like this one.

These kids are all twice this size now. I am Aunt Elaine to all of them. Two of them drive, maybe three, one of them is writing her own books and stories, one is getting ready to graduate from high school, and all of them still have my heart. I love these kids!!! I am so glad I need to update my website, because it comes with beautiful memoires.

Soon I will be able to see them again, and I will hug them. A lot.